On The Peculiarities of Kindness

Breathing in, I acknowledge my kind heart.

Exhaling, I hold it, examining it.

Kindness is peculiar. From a third person’s view, it seems to benefit the world. Internally, it’s a double-edged sword. Many of us say we enjoy being kind, helping others. But the truth is, the extrinsic benefits of kindness are hard to separate from its motive. It’s impossible to detach the agent from the action and the action from its effects. The agent’s behavior often dictates the action’s effects.

Motives matter. They matter because we interact through actions. Actions signal to one another, allowing communication. The same action, done with different motives, elicits wildly different responses. Strangely, this doesn’t fully apply to kindness. Perhaps we’re too absorbed in thinking about ourselves. Any kindness received, we view from an angle of ‘it benefited me’. But prosocial behavior with the intent of getting favors back seems to defeat the purpose.

Kindness is multifaceted. It can be highly instrumental or virtuous. And we often judge people based on our inner instincts. If we’re kind only with the intention of getting something in return, we’ll likely see others’ kindness as banking potential favors. Yet, if we’re mostly kind from our own hearts, we assume people are genuine, wanting others to be happy and flourish. Seems simple, doesn’t it?

Breathing in, I recognize my tendency for kindness.

Exhaling, I embrace it.

Recognize, embrace.

Wrong. It’s not that simple. Most of us can also use kindness against ourselves. Ever heard of the ‘nice guy’ syndrome? The person who is pleasant to everyone but hears not of their own wants and cries? The person who has convinced themselves that preserving peace by being nice is virtuous? That being kind and keeping quiet when someone else is pushing boundaries is acceptable? Worst of all, they have convinced themselves so deeply that being nice is the best way to be liked, that they can only like themselves if they conform to this niceness. And worst of all, they confuse this with ‘kindness’.

See, for a long time, I have been using kindness as a form of repression — that I should accept other people’s thoughts fully, try to see the external situations driving unforgivable behaviors, see the silver lining in every bad thing people do. Yes, exercising all these muscles is good practice for kindness, opening up perspectives for a deeper interpretation. But being kind does not mean taking everything in as it is. It does not mean immediately forgiving. It’s okay to feel angry — in fact, it’s healthy. It’s okay to feel disappointed — in fact, it’s beneficial to others. It’s fine to be sad — sadness means caring deeply.

What I thought was kindness before was an unwillingness to confront reality. It was not acknowledging myself as an autonomous being involved in a given situation. Kindness at the cost of oneself is not kindness. Kindness must come from a place of abundance — not losing at all. Feeling unaffected by others’ pains but aware of them. Feeling unaffected by others’ suffering but aware of it. Not having an inner need to satisfy one’s own desire of wanting to seem a certain way, being truly kind.

Breathing in, I see the roots of my kindness.

Exhaling, I choose to be kind regardless.

See, choose.

I have met some people who claim they are really kind — and to their own detriment. It’s hard to watch people like that give themselves away fully. Fair, they are being selfless, not thinking about themselves as much. But I would be suspicious of that; simply because giving yourself away that much to people, where people feel embarrassed to be around you. To the point where when you ask for something in return, they feel they owe you something, doing so unwillingly, is frankly not kind.

‘You are too nice.’ What does that mean? That means that, while it is nice being around you, you don’t show your true self. And how can I like you if I don’t know your true self? That simply means that they are suspicious of your motives — that you have covered it with layers of ‘kindness’. Or perhaps that just means that you have covered yourself from yourself, by being ‘kind’.

Recognize that if you genuinely want to be kind, it has to come from a place of noticing others’ needs, giving without anything in return, and not needing to appease any feelings within you, except the self-perception that you are kind and have the will to serve others.

Breathing in, I see my genuine kindness.

Exhaling, I choose kindness every day.

In, out.

See, choose, every day.