On Envy, Comparison and Meaning

Breathing in, I see my jealousy.

Breathing out, I hold my jealousy.

See, hold.

We all have that one person in our lives that we admire; that one person that we want to be more like. That one person who seems to have everything we have. That one person we envy.

Envy seems to be the more neutral feeling of jealousy — jealousy seems to bring about a stronger negative implication. To admit that one is envious is to admit that one is jealous, yet appreciative of someone else’s fortunes.

It’s far much easier to be envious of other people now — particularly in the age of social media. The muscle of comparison is one that we actively exercise, without noticing that we are. And it’s human to compare. To compare ourselves to other people — it gives us a sense of belonging. For when we compare, we also see the similarities of us with everyone else.

Problem is, we have a much larger population to compare with now. And we’re constantly comparing ourselves to people on the internet. People we have little contact with.

Breathing in, I see my tendency to compare.

Breathing out, I see the similarities between me and my brethren.

It’s easy to see why there is a negative correlation between life satisfaction and Instagram use. The age of social media brought interconnectedness; but the valence of this connection is undetermined.

Social media companies understand us — their business models prey on our insecurities, our psychological tendencies. And, as cynical as this might sound, they leverage on the worst of us to make money.

Arguably, this is no different from most other profitable institutions — they have brands and marketing tactics that make us feel that we should want more things. That we should buy more of their goods. That we should consume more.

It’s the same with social media as well, it preys on the best and the worst of us, oddly. It gives us direct access to the best of humanity — the wealthiest, the beautiful, the smartest, the crème de la crème. And we feel awe whenever we see these feats, the lives of these people who seem so far fetched from ours, a form of entertainment.

But, in the mean time, it also switches on our tendencies for social comparison — we see the curated lives of other people, making it feel like their lives are a lot more dandy than ours. It makes us feel less, only for us to feel that we have to spend more time to feel more again.

Ups and downs.

Breathing in, I see the gifts of others.

Breathing out, I appreciate the gifts of others.

Breathing in, I see the joy of others.

Breathing out, I feel the joy of others.

See, feel, joy.

Yes, there are unfair advantages people have as they were born into more fortunate environments, gifts or talents. But these gifts cost them something. The beauty, wealth, fitness, smartness, success; they all come with a cost.

The beautiful finds it hard to find genuine friends. The wealthy finds it hard to trust other people. The smart finds it hard to be understood. The successful finds it lonely and hard to live up to expectations. To be extremely good at something usually comes at a cost.

Breathing in, I see the best in others.

Breathing out, I see the suffering of others.

To be born in peaceful times, with a silver spoon, can be crippling. For it is only through seeing the worst of the world that we train our minds to see the best of the world. Pain gives us perspective.

To go through difficulty is a gift; an opportunity. Going through difficulty is a battleground for us to develop meta skills and attributes that we can be proud of someday.

To be able to enjoy the peace and quiet of nature; we likely have to go through the business of city life. It allows us to appreciate peaceful moments better.

To be able to see enjoy of being skilled at something; we have to endure the difficulties of practicing the skill. It allows us to value the art and science of that given skill.

To be able to truly appreciate the gifts of our lives; we have to go through difficult times in our lives. It allows us to live fully when times are good — knowing that it can be taken away from us.

To be born with beauty is to be blind to the temporaries of beauty is temporary. To be born extremely fit is to be blind to the temporaries of good health — we grow ill. To be born wealthy is to be blind to the temporaries of material comfort — we will die and leave the material world.

Breathing in, I see the ever-changing state of the world.

Breathing out, I appreciate the present state I am in.

And for those that we compare ourselves to who are amazing at a skill, an activity, know that they’ve given up a lot to get there too. And we should admire that — for they’ve chosen to suffer for something. We should take inspiration for that — inspiration to choose to suffer for something.

You’ve likely heard the phrase — “Life is suffering, so choose your suffering wisely.” It may seem like a far-fetched idea, but it’s staring at us every single day when we’re on social media. When we see the best of other people.

To Live Is to Suffer, to Survive Is to Find Some Meaning in the Suffering.

Seeing the best of people in social media, and to compare myself to them, is for me to be motivated for me to find the things that I am willing to suffer for.

Encouraging me to create meaning in my life.

Breathing in, I am aware that I compare myself to others.

Breathing out, I see the benefit of comparing myself to others.

Aware, positive.

So, the next time you find yourself comparing to others, see that there are things that other people can and can’t control. For the things they can’t control, it likely costs them something every day. For the things they can control, it has costed them something every day.

We can find freedom in comparison — that we have freedoms from not being gifted a certain way, from not being beautiful, from not being wealthy. We can find inspiration in comparison — that we can find meaning and be skilled at something through choosing what we want to be good at. We can find belonging in comparison — that we’re all similarly comparing ourselves to other people.

These might all sound like forms of rationalization; but mindful rationalizations are our means of us taking control and ownership of our experiences. We can’t control how other people are doing, but we can control how we perceive other peoples’ gifts — especially since it affects the perception of how we are doing.

So, compare away. But, find perspective in comparison.

Find freedom in it.

Recognise that the way out, is in.

Breathing in, I see my envy.

Breathing out, I transform my envy.

Breathing in, I see the gifts of others.

Breathing out, I see the gift of myself.

Breathing in, I find inspiration in others.

Breathing out, I choose to find meaning for myself.